Can I Be Honest With You for a Minute?
For the woman who suspects something is wrong but isn’t sure yet
Hey friend. I’m glad you clicked on this, because that click? That took courage. Even if you’re not sure why you’re here, something brought you to this page and I don’t think that was an accident.
Can I be honest with you for a minute?
Sometimes we don’t have the words for what we’re feeling. We just know that something doesn’t feel right. Maybe you’ve been confused more than you’ve been at peace. Maybe you’ve found yourself apologizing for things that aren’t your fault. Maybe you’ve started shrinking yourself — your voice, your opinions, your presence — just to keep the temperature in the room from rising.
That’s not love, friend. That’s survival.
I know because I lived it. I know what it feels like to convince yourself that things aren’t that bad. To compare your situation to someone else’s and say “well at least he doesn’t…” I know what it feels like to love someone and be afraid of them at the same time — and to not have a single word for what that is.
So let me offer you some words today.
You may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship if:
- You feel like you have to ask permission to do everyday things
- You are constantly afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing
- Your partner controls your money, your movement, or who you spend time with
- You are made to feel stupid, worthless, or lucky that they chose you
- You have been pushed, grabbed, hit, or physically intimidated
- Your partner monitors your phone, your social media, or your whereabouts
- You feel more lonely inside the relationship than you ever did alone
- You have stopped doing things you love because it’s just easier not to
Friend, this list is not here to overwhelm you. It is here to give you language for something you may have been feeling for a very long time but didn’t know how to name.
You are not crazy. You are not overreacting. And you are not alone.
Whatever you are feeling right now — confusion, fear, relief, grief — it is all valid. And whenever you are ready to take the next step, grace will meet you right there.
I’m here. 💛
If you are in immediate danger, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or text START to 88788.
What Nobody Told Me — But I Wish They Had
For the survivor who is already out and still processing
First, can I just say — I see you. And I am so proud of you.
Getting out is one of the hardest things a person can do. It is not as simple as people on the outside make it look. It is not just packing a bag and walking out a door. It is untangling yourself from someone who became your whole world — even when that world was hurting you. It is grieving a relationship, a home, a version of your life that you had hoped would be different. It is rebuilding your sense of self from the ground up.
And nobody really talks about that part.
Nobody told me that leaving would feel like loss even when it was the right thing to do. Nobody told me that some days I would miss him — and then feel ashamed for missing him. Nobody told me that healing isn’t linear, that some days you feel free and some days the old fear creeps back in like it never left.
Nobody told me that surviving was just the beginning.
So here is what I wish somebody had sat down and told me — and what I want to tell you today:
What nobody told me — but I wish they had:
- Leaving is not the end of the hard part. It is the beginning of a different kind of hardship — and that is okay.
- Grieving the relationship does not mean you made the wrong decision.
- Healing takes as long as it takes. There is no timeline and no deadline.
- The trauma does not disappear the moment you walk out the door. Give yourself grace to process it.
- You may second-guess yourself. That does not mean you were wrong.
- Your body kept score even when your mind was trying to protect you. Be gentle with yourself.
- You are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to feel all of it.
- You did not deserve what happened to you. Not one single moment of it.
- God was with you in it — and He is with you in the healing too.
- You are not broken. You are becoming.
Friend, the fact that you are on the other side of it is not small. That is a miracle. You are a miracle.
The road ahead is going to ask a lot of you — but it is also going to give back more than you can currently imagine. I know because I am living that road right now. And if I can make it, so can you.
You didn’t just survive. You are on your way to thriving. And one day — I promise you this — you are going to conquer.
I’m right here walking with you. 💛
For additional support on your healing journey, please visit the Get Help page or reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
For the Woman Who Keeps Making Excuses for Him
For the woman who is currently in a situation and doesn’t fully see it yet
I almost didn’t write this page.
Not because I don’t have anything to say — but because I remember being her. I remember being the woman who had an explanation for everything. Who could justify every incident, soften every red flag, and find a reason to stay that sounded reasonable enough — at least out loud.
So I am not writing this to judge you. I am writing this because I was you. And I wish somebody had loved me enough to tell me the truth.
Can I love you enough to do that today?
Here is what I know about making excuses for someone who is hurting you:
It doesn’t start out feeling like excuses. It starts out feeling like loyalty. Like love. Like giving someone the benefit of the doubt. It starts with “he’s just stressed” and “I probably shouldn’t have said that” and “it’s not that bad, every relationship has problems.”
And slowly, without even realizing it, you become the defense attorney for the person who is supposed to be your safe place.
Friend — you should not have to defend your partner from yourself.
Love does not require you to minimize your pain. Love does not ask you to carry the weight of someone else’s anger. Love does not leave you lying awake at night rehearsing what you should and shouldn’t say to keep the peace.
I know you love him. I know it is complicated. I know there are good days that make you wonder if you’re exaggerating the bad ones. I know there are children, finances, history, and a thousand other reasons that make leaving feel impossible.
I am not here to tell you what to do. That is your journey and your timing.
But I am here to tell you this — what is happening to you has a name. And giving it a name is the first step toward getting free.
You are not too sensitive. You are not the problem. And you deserve so much more than a relationship that requires you to make yourself smaller just to survive it.
Whenever you are ready — grace will be right here waiting. And so will I. 💛
If you are ready to talk to someone, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or text START to 88788. You don’t have to figure this out alone.
For the Friend Who Sees What She Can’t See Yet
For the family member or friend watching someone they love struggle
This might be the hardest place to stand.
You can see it. You can feel it every time you’re around them together. You notice the way she flinches, the way she checks her phone nervously, the way she has slowly stopped being herself. You have watched her world get smaller and smaller — fewer friends, fewer outings, fewer moments where she just laughs freely like she used to.
And you love her. So it is breaking your heart.
But every time you bring it up, she shuts down. She defends him. She tells you you’re overreacting or that you just don’t understand their relationship. And you walk away feeling helpless, frustrated, and scared for her.
I want you to know — what you are feeling is valid. Every bit of it.
Watching someone you love stay in a situation that is hurting them is one of the most painful things a person can experience. And the hardest truth about it is this — you cannot want her freedom more than she is ready to want it for herself.
But that does not mean there is nothing you can do.
How you can show up for her:
- Keep the relationship. The moment she is ready to leave, she is going to need somewhere safe to turn. Be that place. Don’t let your frustration push you away from her — because he may already be trying to isolate her from everyone who loves her.
- Don’t give ultimatums. As much as you want to say “it’s him or me” — ultimatums often push survivors deeper into the relationship. Stay close.
- Speak truth gently and then let it land. You can say “I love you and I’m concerned about what I’m seeing” without delivering a verdict. Plant the seed and give her grace to process it.
- Don’t bash him constantly. As counterintuitive as it sounds, when you attack him she may feel the need to defend him — and that can push her closer to him and further from you.
- Learn the signs. Understanding what abuse actually looks like — beyond physical violence — will help you have more informed and compassionate conversations with her.
- Take care of yourself too. Secondary trauma is real. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Find your own support as you support her.
- Remind her of who she is. Abuse chips away at a woman’s sense of self. Remind her of her worth, her strength, and who she was before this relationship every chance you get.
- When she is ready — be ready. Have resources available. Know the hotline number. Have a plan you can offer her when she finally says she’s done.
And in the meantime — pray. Cover her. Love her loudly and without conditions.
You being in her corner may be the very thing that saves her life one day. Don’t underestimate the power of just. staying. there.
Thank you for loving her enough to look for answers. That kind of love matters more than you know. 💛
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) | Text START to 88788 | Chat at thehotline.org